Tell Them Again
My wife (Cerigwyn) and I recently relocated from Vegas to Louisville, and after 20 years of admiring the surprising beauty of treeless mountains and the endlessly diverse shades of brown the desert sun creates in the arroyo, we now have a backyard filled with green grass, flowering bushes, and more than a dozen large, leafy oak trees all visible from our dining room window.
And these oak trees are FILLED with squirrels, and these squirrels LOVE to watch our dog from the safety and seclusion of the branches.
Now, Moose – our 16-lb Toy Australian Shepherd – is having a blast exploring her new home. She sniffs every bush, every tree, every blade of grass. And as she does this, the squirrels leap from branch to branch keeping a constant eye on everything she does. They’re curious. They’re intrigued. They’re watching from the shadows. And Moose is oblivious. She has no idea she’s being studied and observed.
Well, earlier this week, after observing the squirrels observing Moose observing her new surroundings, Cerigwyn told me a funny story about how close one of the squirrels got to Moose and how oblivious Moose remained.
Then, Cerigwyn began to wax philosophical about how often others are watching us…how intrigued they are by what we’re doing and how we’re doing it…how we regularly affect people, influence people, dazzle and wow people…and never know about the impact or impression we’re making. She talked about how easy it is for us to move through life casually doing our thing and assuming no one notices, no one cares, no one sees us.
It was insightful. It was timely. It was simple, yet profound.
So, after taking in what she’d said, I replied with a single word, “Deep!”
Then Cerigwyn – my wife of 25 years – said something that hit me between the eyes, cut me to the core, and took the air out of the room. She said…
“You don’t expect me to think that way, do you? You don’t know I think these kinds of thoughts, do you?”
I was blown away! I couldn’t believe she was serious.
I’ve watched Cerigwyn for more than 25 years. I’ve been impressed on countless occasions by both her intelligence and her wisdom. Her poetry is insanely insightful, deeply profound, yet completely accessible to people from multiple backgrounds and seasons of life. She is a highly sought-after expert in her field, yet she approaches every situation with a self-effacing humility that makes everyone feel welcome and known. Many of the most popular, most innovative, most clever teachings I’ve ever given have been adaptations of or riffs on ideas and concepts she’s brought up at the dinner table. The #1 most read blog on my website last year was hers!
I know that Cerigwyn thinks deeply and philosophically!!!
I am in awe of how she sees the world. And I’ve told her as much many, many times through the years, and she’s heard me say it dozens of times in front of large crowds and in intimate gatherings.
So, how could she for a second think that I didn’t know she thought deep thoughts?
The answer is glaringly simple…
Though I’ve told her dozens of times in the last 25 years, I hadn’t taken time RECENTLY to tell her what I see in her…how impressed I am by her…how much better she makes my world.
In the busyness of multiple trips from Vegas to Louisville to find and buy a house…in the emotions of packing up and contemplating 20 years of memories…in the constant flood of decisions and choices and changes that come with setting up a new home…and in the uncertainties and insecurities that we all face when there’s no rhythm and routine and no one knows our name at the store…in all of that, I failed to tell her that I see HER…that I know HER…that I appreciate HER…that my world is immeasurably better because she is at the center of it.
And the same thing probably happens from time to time between
you and your family…
you and your friends…
you and your peers…
you and the people you lead.
You’ve told them countless times how much they mean to you. You’ve told them how great they are at this or that. You’ve commented on the unique perspectives they bring to conversations. You’ve given them great reviews in their one-to-ones. You’ve praised them publicly. You’ve sent them notes and emails expressing your appreciation for their contributions.
But, when things get busy…
When your routine is disrupted…
When you’re carrying the weight of things in your personal life…
When you’re feeling distracted…or insecure…or stressed…or anxious…
Is it possible that you forget to tell people what you see in them?
Is it possible they’re feeling neglected or forgotten or unappreciated or unknown?
Let me answer that for you…
It’s not just possible.
It’s the most likely scenario.
But the good news is it’s a relatively easy fix.
All you have to do is intentionally take a few minutes to sit across the table from them, look them in the eye, and TELL THEM AGAIN that you see them…TELL THEM AGAIN how unique and special they are…then make sure you express the authentic, heartfelt truth that your life, your team, your organization is better…so much better…because they are who they are.
Then TELL THEM AGAIN. Then not too many days later TELL THEM AGAIN in a new way. Then find a way to remind yourself to remind them how great they are. THEN DO IT AGAIN. And again. And again. Until it gets weird. THEN TELL THEM AGAIN. Then start the process all over again.
Become a person who tells the people around you AGAIN AND AGAIN that you see them…MAKE THAT YOUR REPUTATION…be known as the person who sees, knows, and CONSTANTLY appreciates others.
